Today Is Not the Day
by MarieRock
Summary: Ichigo is wounded and finds himself slipping from life. As he's certain he's not going to die, his mind wonders about things he's never questioned before, all focusing on his feelings for Rukia. Based on a poem by Audre Lorde.
1. Today Is Not the Day

Okay, this is another one of my impulsive ideas, but I have a feeling I'm going to love writing this. :) So, hang in here with me, will you? At the moment, this is meant to be a oneshot. Well, if you reviewers want more, I will be happy to add chapters and make it a collection of oneshots.

The poem this oneshot is based on was written by Audre Lorde on April 22, 1992. I do not own the poem or Bleach or any characters from this. :)

Anyway, hope you all enjoy, here we go! :D

Oh, and I want to apologize in advance for how long the poem is. All of it isn't relevant, but I didn't want to cut random chunks of the poem off. So, sorry.

_-:-_

**Today Is Not the Day**

_I can't just sit here_

_staring death in her face_

_blinking and asking for a new name_

_by which to greet her_

_-:-  
_

_I am not afraid to say_

_unembellished_

_I am dying_

_but I do not want to do it_

_looking the other way_

_-:-  
_

Today is not the day.

It could be

but it is not.

Today is today

in the early moving morning

sun shining down upon

the farmhouse in my belly

lighting the wellswept alleys

of the town growing in my liver

intricate vessels swelling with the gift

of Mother Mawu

of her mischievous daughter

Afrekete Afrekete my beloved

feel the sun of my days surround you

binding our pathways

we have water to carry

honey to harvest

bright seed to plant for the next fair

we will linger

exchanging sweet oil

along each other's ashy legs

the evening light

a crest on your cheekbones.

-:-

By this rising

some piece of our labor

is already half-done

the taste of loving

doing a bit of work

having some fun

riding my wheels so close to the line

my eyelashes blaze.

-:-

Beth dangles her stethoscope over the rearview mirror

Jonathan fine-tunes his fix on Orion

working through another equation

youth taut as an arrow

stretched to their borders

the barb sinking in so far

it vanishes from the surface.

I dare not tremble for them

only pray laughter comes often enough

to soften the edge.

-:-

And Gloria Gloria

whose difference I learn

with the love of a sister you you

in my eyes bright appetite light

playing along your muscle

as you swing.

-:-

This could be the day.

I could slip anchor and wander

to the end of the jetty

uncoil into waters

a vessel of light moonglade

ride the freshets to sundown

and when I am gone

another stranger will find you

coiled on the warm sand

beached treasure and love you

for the different stories

your seas tell

and half-finished blossoms

growing out of my season

trail behind

with comforting hum.

-:-

But today

is not the day.

Today.

_-:-_

As I laid in a puddle of blood, my limbs went numb. The blood seeped from several wounds, mostly from a deep one running down my chest. I was face down, my hand weakly clutching Zangetsu. My thoughts became muddy and my vision blurred. I realized I was dying, but denied it immediately.

I heard the sound of echoing footsteps, the person approaching my fallen form. But who was it? I didn't know.

"Ichigo!" she screamed, her small hands on my back. _Rukia?_ I thought, trying to lift my head and look at her, but my body refused.

"Ichigo!...Ichigo, listen to me!...-ave to stay with me!...-can't leave me, you ca-" Her words went in and out of focus, I could only understand segments of what she was shouting. My eyes slid closed and when I forced them open again I was facing up, now on my back. I was blacking out for a few minutes at a time, but when I was on my back I felt more blood draining from the wounds.

The air around me began to glow, the light surrounding Rukia's small hands. My body didn't feel like it was getting healed, but the longer she focused on fixing my fatal lacerations my mind started to focus more. I was able to form actual thoughts. The first thought that entered my mind was that I was dying. And again I turned to denial as soon as the words began to flood my mind.

My eyes opened, staring ahead of me, straight up. My sight became less blurred and I was able to focus on the serene scene above me. As I continued to stare off, Rukia's face came into view. That's when my mind started working so fast, guilt running through me.

I saw her face and everything started to make sense again. The knowledge of my fate reflected in her large, violet eyes. Death.

I wasn't afraid to die, I had come to peace with dying while doing the honorable job I had as a shinigami. But I wasn't okay with dying in denial. If I was going to die, I had to admit it to myself so I could feel prepared. _But you're not,_ a voice in the back of my mind said in confidence. It wasn't speaking in denial, it was speaking with knowledge.

Then I was aware of my situation, more aware than I should have been I'm sure. _I should be dying,_ I thought. _But I'm not. It's just not..."my time"._

I returned my focus on Rukia. Memories of our time together consumed every bit of my attention, no doubt or worry slipping in. As the images of past scenes ran through my mind, I realized how every time we were separated we seemed to be brought back together. The thought brought a weak smile to my face. After meeting Rukia, our lives seemed weaved together. Wherever one of us went, the other quickly followed. I had teasingly referred to it as "not being able to get rid of her" before, but now I realized how important it was.

Rukia always nagged me about not wanting me to protect her, but because of our tangled paths she ended up protecting me just as much. And now she was doing everything she could to save me.

"Ichigo!" she continued to shout as she noticed I started stirring quietly, her hands still firmly planted above my chest. "Can you hear me?"

"Let me help you, Rukia," I heard another voice say, it's pitch high. Two more feminine hands slid in front of my view, hovering over my wounded torso.

"No!" Rukia exclaimed as I recognized who she was talking to. "Don't touch him, just wait!" Her tone was strict, much harsher than I was used to hearing when she spoke to Orihime.

The other pulled her hands away quickly, muttering an apology, though her words were full of bitterness. I didn't know why.

"Ichigo, can you hear us?" she questioned me again, leaning over me as she continued to heal the aching cuts.

To answer her I forced my head toward her, looking up at her worried-filled face. I knew there was no way I could speak, but I smiled slightly up at her before using as much effort as I could to grab one of her hands. Her brow creased, I assumed worried that she wasn't going to be able to heal me with one hand, but she didn't pull away. Our fingers intertwined and she squeezed my hand tightly. I usually would have cared that all of our other friends were watching me, watching _us_, but I barely realized they were there. I felt a thin hand run through my hair, getting Rukia's attention. She directed a glare at the holder of the hand, I knew it was Orihime without looking, and the hand retreated.

As Rukia returned her gaze to me her eyes flooded with tears, and because both of her hands were occupied, they ran free down her face. "Don't give up," she whispered, misinterpreting my gesture. "I can't lose you."

Her words surprised me, but not nearly as much as they surprised everyone else. Suddenly the light surrounding her hand still over my chest faded away. She pulled her hand to her face and began sobbing. Orihime took her place, working hard right away. I glanced at her absently and noticed a glare on her face. It didn't take long before Rukia noticed it too.

"What's your problem?" she demanded through her sobs.

"Nothing. Did I say anything?" Orihime responded sarcastically. "I'm just trying to save his life, since you won't do it."

"Orihime!" Uryuu's voice sounded, obviously angry at her accusation. Rukia's grip on my hand tightened.

"Shut the hell up," a low voice stated, anger and annoyance present. It was Renji, coming to Rukia's defense like he always did.

I was sick of their fighting and only wanted Rukia's attention again. I opened my mouth slightly, realizing I was going to sound a lot weaker than I felt. "...Rukia..."

The word was almost silent as I seemed to breathe the name. She turned down to look at me again, tears still pouring down her face. Everything about her at the moment made me feel so guilty, even though I _knew_ I wasn't going to die. I wasn't going to leave her at all, but the despair in her expression, the tight hold she had on my hand, the fact that she was crying over _me_ made me feel horrible. All I wanted to do was sit up and assure her I'd be fine, so she'd smile and call me an idiot like she always did. I wanted to do anything to make her happy.

But I couldn't.

There was nothing I could do to let her know I wasn't going anywhere, that I would be fine.

Then my thoughts wondered again. They wondered to what would happen if something did happen to me. If I did die, what would happen to Rukia? Who would take care of her? But of course I didn't worry long. I glanced around the group surrounding my limp body and knew Rukia would be taken care of. Urryu, Chad, and Renji all looked out for her even though she claimed not to need it; especially Renji. And even Orihime cared about her and looked out for her as best as she could, even if they were angry with each other at the moment, though I didn't know why. Rukia would always have someone to stick up for her. To protect her. To love her like I always have, even though the thought of her with anyone else killed me.

My eyes slid closed and the group grew silent. I blacked out again, the tides of unconsciousness washing over me for the briefest of moments. My unoccupied hand ran to my wound while I was still unconscious, covering it as it seemed to stay in the same condition as it had started in. Blood flooded through my enclosed fingers. I heard their voices but none of it made sense. When I came out of it and my eyes slid open, I saw Rukia's face inches from mine. She leaned closer and pressed her lips to mine, the gesture so soft it was a ghost of a kiss.

When she pulled away I saw her eyes flood with tears again and they fell from her lids, some splashing against my cheek. I smiled up at her before muttering, "I love you, Rukia." My voice was raspy and I closed my eyes again.

She returned the words, causing my smile to grow. I knew I should be dying, with such a fatal wound and with everyone surrounding me like this, that's the only thing that would have made sense. But I was fine; Perfect.

_But today is not the day,_ I thought, the dark taking over completely. _Today..._

_-:-_

Okay, so there it is. :) I know the ending's vague, but that's how the poem is and I was trying to represent it. :P So sorry if the fact that you don't know how it ends bothers you. :)

Anyway, this was fun! :D I loved writing it, but I still want you to let me know what you think. :P

If you want more, please, let me know. And they won't all me IchiRuki, but they're all going to be from Audre Lorde's amazing poem collection. But if you want more, just let me know!

Thanks again, please review!


	2. Hard Love Rock

Okay, so I'm back with another chapter! :3 I know I took forever, but this is my 'when I'm bored and feel like writing snip-its' story. :D

Alright, although this is Orihime's POV (YUK) it is definitely an IchiRuki chapter! :) I'm sorry, but the poem makes sense for it to be in her point of view, so bear with me, lol.

Alrighty, here we go! :D

_-:-_

Today I heard my heart screeching like a subway train

loudly enough to remind me it was still human

loudly enough to hurt

but telling me still

you were a ghost I had

better left in the cradle,

telling me still

that our tracks ran around

instead of straight out past the sewers

that I would have nothing for barter left

not even the print of love's grain

pressed into my flesh from our wooden cross

left splintered and shapeless

after the slaughter.

_-:-_

And when it was over

only pain.

_-:-_

Today everyone gathered at Kurosaki's house. I came first, visiting with Rukia and then she got the idea to invite Urryu and Chad over also. They entered the house shortly after that. It was a cold winter day, the snow piling up quickly as we sat in his room and talked. The topic of conversation jumped around and sometimes it got quiet, but Rukia would easily find something else to discuss.

After spending about an hour in Ichigo's room Rukia suggested we go outside and enjoy the snow. I automatically agreed, getting a satisfied smile from her right away. Ichigo sighed and stood as we all got up and followed him to the kitchen.

Rukia gave me a smirk as she knew she'd get this very reaction from him. I forced a small smile back, the fact that she knew him so well making me jealous to no end. Disappointment and worry began to overwhelm me, but I made myself calm down. _She only know so much about him because they live together. They're friends, Orihime, you have to remember that. If she had any feelings for him, she would tell you._ Somehow, my words didn't truly appease.

Everyone quickly got their coats, gloves, scarves, hats, and shoes on before heading out the door. The snowfall had calmed, now stray flakes floating slowly to the earth, landing and resting on the surface. Rukia led us to the middle of the front yard, telling us all to sit down. Everyone did so, except Ichigo. The three of us had learned to just listen to Rukia when her tone got so demanding, but he decided to be stubborn and stay planted in place, arms crossing his chest.

"Sit down, Ichigo," she said sternly, looking up at him.

"No. It's too freaking cold and I'm not getting my ass wet!" he explained, his breathe creating a thick cloud in front of his lips.

"Yes! It's not going to kill you, so sit!" she screamed back.

"No!" At his reply Rukia swept her leg against his, effectively knocking him to the ground next to me. "Ow! Dammit, Rukia!"

Smiling back at him, she continued, "Aw, I'm sorry, did I hurt you?" Her voice was full of mock sympathy.

"Shut up," he growled, his amber eyes rolling in annoyance.

The only point Rukia had of making us sit down was so we could talk while enjoying the snow. She said, "No one has an excuse for us to go inside, we can sit and relax out here."

After a few minutes Ichigo seemed to calm down, leaning back on his hands as his stare turned from Rukia to Urryu while they carried a conversation I wasn't hearing. He'd open his mouth every now and then to contribute, flashing a bright smile once in awhile. The gesture caused me to hold my breathe; I was overtaken by his happiness. I found myself watching him a lot while we talked and didn't pay much attention to the actual conversations.

After about twenty minutes outside I noticed Rukia begin to shake, her arms wrapped around her thin frame. It didn't take long before the boys noticed too, Ichigo grinning at her.

"Well, well, someone cold already?" he asked, earning a mild glare from her.

"Shut up, I'm _fine_," she stated.

"Yeah, I can tell," he muttered back, still smiling widely. He reached over and laid a hand on her back for a moment, pulling it back and grabbing a handful of snow. She didn't notice his actions, so it was easy for him to hold the back of her coat open enough to dump the snow inside. Rukia jumped and squealed as Ichigo laughed loudly.

"That's not funny!" she screamed as she stood and started brushing the loose snow out of her shirt, still shivering. She grabbed a small handful of snow and balled it up quickly, throwing it at Ichigo and hitting him right in the face. He fell back, his hands wiping the snow away immediately as he continued to laugh.

"Kurosaki-kun, are you okay?" I asked frantically, leaning closer to him as he continued to rest on his back.

"Yeah...I'm fine," he said through his laughter. He sat back up and grinned at Rukia. "You're dead!" he stood quickly, grabbing some snow as he did so, and headed toward her. She laughed and ran away, ducking behind a corner of their house. Continuing toward the area she had hidden in, he ran right into view. Another snowball, a larger, better constructed one, hit him square in the face, causing him to stop and wipe it away, his smile still in tact.

Smiling warmly, I sighed quietly. I loved to see Ichigo so energetic, he seemed just like a child, softening him around the edges. I felt completely content watching him run around and play, but I decided to make something warm for us to drink when they got tired and wanted to come in.

Standing, I got a confused look from Urryu. "I'm going to go make some tea for us," I said, smiling back at him as he nodded.

"Alright. Want some help?" he asked, getting ready to stand.

"No thanks, I got it," I said, nodding when he gave me an uncertain look and then headed toward the front door. I went to the kitchen and grabbed the kettle from the counter. I quickly filled it with tap water and put it on the stove, turning the eye on and setting it to low. I got cups out of the cabinet and opened five tea bags, sitting them in separate mugs. As I stood at the counter I glanced out the window and saw a sight that broke my heart. One single image had crushed the false hopes I had filled myself with, the picture of Ichigo and Rukia.

They both had snow all over their coats and grins on their faces. They were laying on the ground next to each other, Rukia resting half her weight against him, her arm resting on his chest. She grabbed a handful of snow and shoved it in his face, causing him to turn his head away from her before snatching some packed snow and pushing it into her face as well. Both laughed and stopped, seeming to call a truce. Ichigo brushed some snow from her face and hair, smiling at her warmly.

And that's when I realized I had already lost him to her. Ichigo was Rukia's and there was nothing I could do about it. I had considered confessing my feelings for him before she had the chance and always thought he might feel bad enough to at least go on a date with me. But seeing them together, seeing how well they both knew each other, I knew that they were going to be together. Whether they knew it now or not, it was true.

_I've lost him already,_ I thought as tears stung my eyes.

My heart beat loudly in my ears as the two continued to _flirt_, neither having a single clue as to what they were doing to me. How they were hurting me. I saw Ichigo's carefree face, his sharp features and bright eyes still managing to cause my stomach to churn. _I love you, Ichigo!_ I screamed internally as my tears fell free and slid down my face. But I knew it wasn't his fault, or Rukia's. It was mine. I had told myself I had a chance, that he had feelings for me too but he was too shy to say anything. But Ichigo wasn't shy. If he felt a certain way he made it clear, just like he was with Rukia right in front of me.

My heart and it's loud beating was telling me that this was all my fault; the hurt and anger I felt at the moment was because I had always ignored my gut. My gut had told me from the very start that Ichigo was reserved for someone, that he wasn't supposed to be _mine_. Even before we had met Rukia, I knew that our paths weren't meant to intertwine. And I knew that if I told him how I felt, he'd leave me open and vulnerable. I'd have nothing left but pain. His rejection would tear me apart and leave nothing left for the next guy that I really cared about. If that guy existed.

I stared at them as more tears escaped. I didn't believe that. I felt deep inside me that I was meant to love Ichigo, but he wasn't meant to love me. So I told myself to never give up and never stop loving him. I knew he and Rukia would make each other happy, they were doing it at that very moment. But I would always carry these painfully strong feelings for Ichigo with me. And I decided that one day I would tell him that I was in love with him anyway. After my heart was ripped apart and slaughtered by his apologies, I would continue my life and carry a dead heart around always.

There was no denying it. When it was over, when everything was over, I would have nothing. I wouldn't get to be happy, I wouldn't get to love like a normal person, I definitely wouldn't get Ichigo.

_Only pain..._

_-:-_

Okay, depressing much?

Ha ha, I hope you all enjoyed, because I really like this chapter. :3 It was interesting to write and pretty deep, if I do say so myself. :D

Alright, please review! :D Thanks!


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